Women are often
asked if it’s possible to have it all. “All” might encompass a lot of things: a
satisfying marriage, healthy kids, a fulfilling and intellectually challenging
career, solid and fortifying friendships, a purposeful and rewarding life, a
chance to make the world a better place.
At a women’s
leadership event in the spring, I sat on a panel with other professional women
and we were asked the question: Can we have it all? My answer is yes, it just
depends on what your definition of “all” is.
Today’s young
women have unparalleled opportunities. Working at a university, I
see amazing, talented young women doing remarkable things every day. They’re excelling
in what used to be male-dominated fields, like engineering, science and
technology. They’re becoming leaders in every area of industry. But, amazingly,
with all of this growth and excellence, we’re still plagued with idiotic
overtures.
Last week Marisa
Meyer, the newly minted CEO of Yahoo! gave birth to her first child. Her
decision to take a shortened maternity leave was meet with criticism and (gasp,
if you wish) the idea that her personal decision could derail years of work to
mandate maternity leave for women around the country. The idea that one woman’s
decision on the length of her own maternity leave could influence corporate
America and their collective policies on family leave is pretty senseless and
frankly, overly ridiculous.
The real
reaction we should be having as a collective of women is to celebrate her
choice and, maybe more importantly, her ability to make that choice. Good for Ms.
Meyer, who is among very few women who head major corporations. If she’s smart
enough to lead a major entity like Yahoo!, I’m going to assume she can handle
her personal decision making. I’ll put aside my thoughts on the women who have
commented that her sparse time at home will affect her bonding with her child
in favor of saying this: I, too, am a working mother. I drop my son off to
daycare every morning. Because our world centers around him at home, I like
knowing he has a world that’s his. He is learning about friendship. He is
learning to share. He is learning that there is a world beyond his parents. He
is learning that there are other authority figures besides his father and me. He’s
learning independence. And he’s having a great time while learning all of these
things.
But at the end
of the day, we are his parents and he’ll always look to us first, before anyone
else, for a kiss to mend a boo-boo, and for our approval and praise when he
does something wonderful. He’ll even look to us to test the reins of his
independence. Bonding takes place through out a child’s life, not just in the
first few weeks. To imply that Ms. Meyer, or any mother, is doing a disservice
to her child by going back to work too early is a shame. Who deigns to define
“too early” in the first place? I took 10 weeks off when I had my son and it
was damn hard to leave him at daycare the first day—as hard as it would have
been at two weeks or six weeks or six months.
Women have been
fighting for equity for decades, for generations. But if we can’t stop
criticizing ourselves, how can we expect others to give us the respect we
deserve when it comes to making our own decisions? We can’t characterize one
women’s choice as a backward step for us all, not when what we have been fighting
for in the first place is the ability to make our own choices. That’s the
beauty of having the ability to choose: we decide what’s right for us, based on
our lives and our individual situations, not what others deem appropriate for a
situation they have little knowledge or experience with.
As I told the
audience last spring, yes, you can have it all, and your definition of “all”
will change as you get older and you grow wiser and more experienced. It should
change, because your life will change, and it will take you in directions you
never expected. My best advice is to decide your choices based on what you want
and, maybe more importantly, what you don’t want. You know what’s best for you.
Listen to different perspectives, because there is value in others’
experiences. Take the knowledge, use what’s useful, and throw out the rest. Hold
back on making judgments of others. Refuse to comment on when the fray gets a
little too loud. Surround yourself with those who are supportive and
validating, for they will have your back when others seek to tell you your
choice is wrong.
